


maybe another day i'll get what i deserve

by KeioBrainrot



Series: Self-Contained Luminosity [2]
Category: Hollow Knight (Video Games)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt with Very Ineffective Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Platonic Relationships, Regret, Suicidal Ideation, did you guys seriously think i was done beating up the radiance, no beta we die like radiance's mental health, not a chance, seriously this is a heavy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:28:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29860872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeioBrainrot/pseuds/KeioBrainrot
Summary: "No."Radiance blinks. "What do you mean, 'no'?"Hornet gives her a look, her stoic pretense firmly in place once more. "You are considering hurling yourself off the peak of this mountain. Grimm will doubtless assume my involvement if you do so, and I'll not be blamed for something that was your doing, nor will I knowingly stand idle while you throw yourself to what could well be your death."(Takes place after the events oftoday marks two long dreams.)
Relationships: Grimm & The Radiance (Hollow Knight), Hornet & The Radiance (Hollow Knight)
Series: Self-Contained Luminosity [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180520
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	maybe another day i'll get what i deserve

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another installment of "Keio emotionally torments a moth".
> 
> In all seriousness, please check the tags. This fic deals with some very heavy topics, and it's got decidedly less of a hopeful ending than the previous fic in this series. You'll notice I didn't tag major character death, and that's for a reason. No one dies in this one. Still, there are heavy themes of potentially triggering topics, so please stay safe.
> 
> Like before, this is not intended as a character study or redemption arc. It's just something I felt I needed to write. In any case, I'll quit talking now, so.. Enjoy the fic I suppose.

Vaguely, she understands that there hasn't been any other source of light in the town for ages.

[Except her, but that is a time long since come to pass.]

Yes, there was a time when this old town did not rely on Lumaflies for light. There was a time when light positively seeped through cracks in the rocks above and shone down upon the houses and plants grew.

Things were not like that now, but that was fine. After all, they were also not like the days when the Infection (her Infection, the harsh voice in her head reminded her,) had robbed this town of all its residents. No, the bugs of the village were slowly returning now, trickling up from the well to the Crossroads.

Hallownest was slowly recovering, and she was happy for them. Looking back on it with more presence of mind, it had been.. wholly unfair to have those bugs as collateral damage, despite the actions of their detestable king.

The world was moving on without her, just as it had before.

She knew that was for the best, but why did it hurt so much?

She thinks she does know why. After all, she's been here before, hasn't she? Unnatural occurrences and new eras, the old light that illuminated this kingdom fading and forgotten and sealed away. And her, frantic and betrayed and wounded, anger and hurt driving her to take action.

That is not going to happen this time. She is smarter, and she is more level-headed, and she understands when she is not wanted and she will only make things worse because she should have known that she was better off gone and sealed and it is her fault for trying to make things different.

Laying alone in one of the Grimm Troupe's tents, practically buried in the mountain of sheets and canvas she'd been using as a bed, Radiance thinks absently that she is better off simply staying here and receding back into obscurity as Hallownest rebuilds. There aren't many bugs who would know her, but she has no desire to face the ones who do.

Yes. It's.. it's better this way, she understands. Change, after all, was nature, and her folly was in resisting that. This land would be just fine without her light. It had been fine, but it was her who ruined it again, just as she was liable to do once more if she did not learn from past mistakes.

[It hurts, she wants to scream, deafening the minds of whoever was around to hear it, it hurts because even though she knows that things will be better for everyone now and there are no Wyrms or Vessels or dreams to force her way into, she still longs for something, anything, still longs to be remembered-]

Calm down. Breathe. Clear the gravel in your throat, and silence the static.

Better.

Yes, that is better.

Nothing good ever comes from allowing herself to feel too much at once. The internal "Void" that dulls her senses and replaces it with a muted ache is exhausting, but it is better, unquestionably, than boiling over with emotion and doing something rash.. again.

Radiance closes her eyes and pulls herself back into the present. The regular, non-Dream world is odd. Even after.. a month? two? the passage of time is another thing she doesn't understand about it, she still isn't quite used to.. the physical world and the body that comes with it.

It does help, though, when attempting to ground herself in what the bugs of this realm might define as "reality".

Feathers and wings weighed down by blankets. The weight of her body against the cloth-lined floor. Canvas and fabric brushing against her torso and legs, wrapped in a half-mound half-cocoon that manages to be somewhat comfortable.

This helps drag her out of her thoughts. Despite her general current disconnect from the Dream Realm, it's still surprisingly easy to completely lose track of her physical self and feel as if she is sinking deeper and deeper into her own head.

It gets unbearable sometimes. She decides that she doesn't like it, decides that she misses being the master of her own thoughts rather than falling victim to an ever-growing cyclone of them, overwhelmed as they manifest in droves and then disappear just as quickly.

It's frustrating, she thinks, that she doesn't seem to have control over this, and that it is absolutely not up to her when the restlessness goes away and she is left there feeling like there is absolutely nothing in her mind at all.

At hearing the soft thump of footsteps entering the tent, Radiance sighs, still not feeling like she can quite breathe yet.

" _I apologize,_ " she mutters, hopefully loud enough to be heard, staring at the maroon patterned curtains draping the walls, the empty feeling resting uncomfortably in her stomach as she lays on her side with her back turned. " _I did not stand up today, Grimm. I could not manage it._ "

A tense, guarded voice speaks, and that combined with the scraping of a blade against the floor tells her that she is, in fact, not speaking to Grimm. "You have much more to apologize for than that."

She understands that she should be panicking, or scared, or otherwise on her guard. But in all truth, she hardly has the energy to sit up, much less fight.

Instead, Radiance turns slightly, the very action feeling absolutely exhausting as she casts a rueful glance in the intruder's direction, and-

Ah. As expected.

The Daughter of Hallownest stares back at her, needle held at the ready, already in a fighting stance ready to launch herself (and her blade) at a moment's notice. Suspicious, determined eyes glare into her own luminous ones, and she sighs audibly.

She rolls back over and shifts so that the canvas sheets and blankets are wrapped more snugly around her, understanding that there is a very real chance that the child will kill her at this very moment.

And oh, how unfortunate, how tragic that would be- her divine blood seeping out and staining Grimm's precious floors as she dies here with no one to even know-

But to be honest, she isn't sure if she would even mind. It's not as if she has any unfinished business here in Hallownest, nor anyone who particularly wants her here.

"What are you doing?" Hornet demands, the distrust perfectly evident in her tone.

Does she really have to humor the spiderling.. ? She supposes it's not an entirely awful idea, given that she's bound to have this turn out badly for her one way or the other.

" _Rest_." is her begrudging answer, still not looking at her. Radiance is under no obligation to play along with whatever she wants, though she's more than aware of the fact that it would be so, so easy for her to simply aim the needle at her throat and lunge.

Would she even bother to fight back?

"Rest." The distrust in her voice is slowly giving way to scorn and disbelief. "You- you have razed this kingdom, ruined hundreds- no, thousands of lives.. and here you are resting?"

What a pain. Should she even bother responding to that? There's nothing she could tell the child without the risk of immediate bodily harm, and while she may not care, she isn't particularly fond of the idea of being impaled.

"Answer me." Hornet demands, and the sudden impact of a needle's blade being driven into the ground, jarringly close, startles her, but not nearly enough to make her want to stand. Grimm probably won't appreciate the damage to his tent, she wants to point out, but she bites back that impulse.

Stupid Wyrm and his stupid children.

Slowly, as slowly as she can reasonably manage, Radiance turns over, still half-buried in the mound of blankets. " _What, then, would you have me do?_ "

"Die." she snaps almost immediately.

Well. That had been.. much blunter than she'd expected.

" _...?_ "

"Die," Hornet repeats. "You should not still be alive. The Infection is gone. You are all that remains of that scourge, and the only risk left to Hallownest."

She blinks once at her, before sighing and deciding that rolling over to look was a waste of energy, and letting her gaze wander aimlessly about the room.

Honestly, if she intends to kill her, then she ought to just spare them both the time and get it over with already.

This is exhausting..

The child clearly expects her to say something, but to be honest, even if she wanted to respond, she wouldn't know what to say. 

" _Ah._ "

Stunned at the apathy of the response, Hornet stares at her, needle held at the ready, clearly expecting her to suddenly emerge from the mound and launch an attack.

She's almost flattered that the Daughter of Hallownest thinks of her as such a formidable foe, but if it's a battle she anticipates, that is not going to happen.

[Radiance tries to ignore the ever-encroaching voice that hums in the back of her mind, whispering that the child is right, whispering that she should die, die a million awful deaths and relieve this world of her presence-]

"Are you.." Hornet fixes her with a puzzled glare. "Do you not.. intend on doing anything? Is this your- twisted ideal of an apology? No, strike that- Do you even regret what you have done?"

Of course she does.

But even she is not so naive to think that there is absolutely any chance that the child would believe her. She's seen her in action, after all- seen the way she clashed with the unfortunate Vessels, seen her interference in that last, fatal battle-

She is merciless, and she has come with the express intent of cutting her to bits and permanently sealing her and her Infection as nothing but a distant memory. Radiance knows this. 

But death no longer scares her. Being forgotten no longer scares her. It is true that she had, prior, wanted to recover from this, rebuild herself alongside this kingdom and maybe find atonement, but this is an easy way out. 

No more fighting. No more struggling to breathe and forcing herself to stand. Her personal Void will die with her.

So hell, what does she have to lose?

Radiance nods. Prepares herself for the blow.

It doesn't come.

Hornet stands there, tip of her needle slightly, but only slightly, pointed at the ground rather than at her.

"You know I cannot risk this."

Why is she hesitating? Why won't she just lift that needle and end everything already? It's the superior option for both of them.

Shame prickles at her from inside, and internally she berates herself for being so.. so weak. For taking the easy way out, every time. Continuing to rage and press on in her quest for vengeance rather than face the weight of her actions. For seeking a quiet death at the hands of a child rather than drag herself together bit by bit, just like the rest of this hellforsaken kingdom.

Radiance rolls over and faces the wall and tries to stifle tears. She will not stoop this low, as to cry (for the first time since her "rebirth", nonetheless!) in front of the daughter of her mortal enemy.

At this point she's half convinced Hornet is only sticking around for the satisfaction derived from seeing the source of all her suffering turned into a weeping mess before she lands the finishing blow.

Under any other circumstances, she would be rightly affronted by something as… as utterly humiliating as this. But, to no one's surprise, she simply finds herself.. not caring. Whatever is coming, it is well deserved.

" _It.. hurts,_ " Radiance whispers, not really caring if the child hears her anymore. " _I.._ " Despite understanding how utterly childish what she's about to say is, she presses on. " _I hate this.. This is not fair. None of this is.. this was not supposed to happen.. I should not.. why is it not.._ "

The question does not get finished, but the answer appears nonetheless, and it evokes a cold stab of guilt that makes her want to simply sink back into the Abyss and never take another living breath again.

Hornet says nothing, but she hears her voice nonetheless, cold and unfeeling and almost as sharp as the blade she wields.

_Because you deserve it._

_Because it is retribution for your actions._

_Because you were better off forgotten, and you should have realized that._

With no strength left to listen or respond, Radiance sinks back into a daze as everything blurs and tears finally escape. As flecks of static cloud her eyes, she imagines that she is surrounded by a cloud of flies, not unlike the type that would feast on a corpse long dead.

Dead, like the moths she had cared so deeply about.

Dead, like the bugs she had left in her wake.

Dead, like everything she touched.

Dead, like she had been, briefly, before whatever cruel fate out there had decided that she simply did not deserve to finally be put to rest, and returned her to this stupid kingdom for whatever reason.

Dead, which is what she hopes she will be when she wakes up, as the last threads of consciousness leave her.

-

Radiance has no strength to dream anymore.

There is nothing, nothing at all. Her connection to that realm is completely gone, as if it had never been there. There is nothing but emptiness. No Light, no Void, no gods or nightmares or prisons or temples or anything in between.

She does not want to dream.

She does not want anything, she thinks, but to die.

There is no way out. This not-dream feels cold and dark and numb and empty and yet feels like nothing. It feels isolating and yet overwhelming at the same time, silent and unbearable and full of pain.

Anything would have been better than this.

There is nothing here, not even her. She has no body to move, no tears to fall, no eyes to cry from. Nothing but a shapeless ball of pain and regret, ripped apart at the seams, wanting to break down and scatter herself to the winds but having no means of doing so.

Dreams and Light and Void- none of those words mean anything anymore.

That brief, fleeting moment after her final defeat, bitter and frantic as it was, had brought her reprieve.

It all feels so far away. She just wants everything to be okay again.

She would have felt anger, at how unfair it all was. Anger at the Pale King for his actions. Anger at the Vessels for being so blind. Anger at Grimm, for not being there when she needed him.

She would have felt regret, at her own horrifying response. Regret for destroying this kingdom. Regret for the pain she caused the poor Hollow Knight. Regret for all of the destruction she had wrought in this pointless delusion.

She felt none of it.

Everything hurts. She just wants-

Radiance doesn't know what she wants.

If not release, she wants nothing at all.

Just as well. This sad mimicry of a lost dream has nothing to offer her.

-

When she wakes, it is to the sound of voices in the next room.

The first thing she realizes is that in spite of it all, she is, infuriatingly, still very much alive.

The second thing she realizes is that the voices in the next room are talking about her, because of course they are.

Cursing everything, Radiance shoves herself up into a general approximation of a seated position and tries to listen. 

"—told you herself, she bears regret for it, you musn't act rashly..!" At first, she feels relief at knowing that Grimm is back. Then she properly listens to his tone, and hears the briefest tinge of desperation in it.

"Hallownest is finally getting a chance to recover," Hornet argues, and she feels her heart sink. Of course the spiderling wouldn't have left. "She is the only remaining risk to that! I'll not take any chances!"

As the argument continues, she tries forcing herself to stand, crawling weakly out of the mound of blankets and attempting to stay upright.

"You are not taking any chances," Grimm fires back, the slightest bit of annoyance in his voice. "The effect this had on her, did you not see it for yourself?"

Slowly, steadily, she gets to her feet, wobbling a little as she grabs onto a nearby crate to use it for support, it wouldn't do to fall and need help getting back up, after all.

"I do not care about her," Hornet snaps at him, and she can hear the child's composure break, and for the briefest of moments she pities her, "I, and countless others, have suffered endlessly, because of her! "

One foot in front of the other, unsteadily walking step after step across the tent, quietly moving to the room's exit as she tries to focus on keeping herself upright.

[She tries not to hear the words. She knows that they are true.]

From where she stands, Radiance can see his eyes, burning with imagined intensity as his tone crackles with rage. "You have no idea what you speak of."

Everything falls silent, the world seeming to hold its breath in fear of what will come next.

She brushes through the entrance, eyes turned to Grimm, briefly flickering to Hornet, whose mouth had been open in preparation to retaliate, before taking advantage of the momentary silence and forcing out words.

" _I want to visit our grounds._ "

He stands stunned for a moment, before "..what..?"

Instead of answering, she turns her eyes skyward, in the hopes that he will understand.

Before he can form words, though, Hornet interrupts, every word careful and practiced, never taking her eyes off either of them. The way her grip on her nail tightens is not lost on her. "Do you mean Hallownest's Crown?" 

Is that what they have taken to calling it? What an unfitting name. Nonetheless, she nods, glancing to her in acknowledgement before turning her attention back to Grimm and waiting.

He sighs. "The way up is a long and dangerous one.. As you are, I worry you will not be able to manage the journey. I mustn't leave, here. The Troupe needs me."

Annoyance hits her, followed by disappointment. For one, does he really think she is that incapable? Has he forgotten she can, in fact, teleport? And secondly, she has not seen their old place of worship in what feels like years. She wants her first friend, and the bug with whom she shares it, there with her.

In the end, she resolves to make the trek on her own.

The jewel-encrusted caverns of Crystal Peak are quite the task to navigate, all narrow passageways and razor-sharp formations that she has no doubt could have skewered her had she been just the least bit more careless.

It is the work of a tiring hour attempting to squeeze herself in such a way that she is able to fit through the slim passages and tunnels that a smaller bug would no doubt have more ease with, but finally (finally!) she manages to poke her head out through the opening and feel the rush of wind whipping violently against the mountain.

Glyphs and statues glow around her, prayers and petitions and wishes of devotees long since dead.

[Her heart aches, despite it all. She deserved the retribution for her crimes. Her moths, her children, beautiful and blameless and undoubtedly terrified of an undeserved punishment, had been innocent.]

Their devotion is what kept her alive for so long. Of this she has no doubt- but that king..

If only she had known better.

Radiance would have done it all differently. Would have taken all her children under the protection of her wings, spirited them away with her into a sacred dream, protected them from the onslaught of a world that hated them.

If he wanted her to disappear, she would have gladly obliged him, but she would have ensured that her children, at least, would have been saved.

Now, she did not even have that option.

Why did she come up here? For remembrance? Familiarity?

These glyphs and prayers are nothing but a burning reminder of bitter failure.

A numb feeling starting to sink in, she walks past all the glyphs and tablets and approaches the cliff's edge, staring up at the statue bearing her likeness. All of a sudden, she feels sickened.

That statue is a mockery. A pretender, the remains of hope from a time when things were better. It is the image of joy and light and devotion and veneration from bugs that lived in better days.

Though it bears her image, that statue is not her. It is nothing like her, a representation of the hope her children used to bear, the image of a glorious and ethereal protector of light who graced the dreams of the old world.

And though she knows it is illogical to feel this for a mere statue, Radiance cannot help but feel a deep, burning jealousy for this false idol that happens to have her face.

Summoning a single sword of light, she takes it in her grasp and drives it straight through the false-her's face, taking a sick pleasure in watching the stones crack and crumble around it. The sound of stone breaking is music to her ears, and she watches as the thin, unstable base of the statue crumbles and it lurches backwards.

She waits for it to tip off the cliff, but instead, a threaded needle whistles past her, embedding its blade into the rock and pulling it forwards instead so that it topples towards her and breaks on the ground.

"What are you doing?" a guarded, incredulous voice asks her. "You could have killed someone."

Hornet does not say "but I doubt that would have bothered you", but that does not mean she does not think it. Radiance knows this.

Idly, she notes the needle, which she only now realizes missed her by mere inches. " _You could have killed me._ "

The child huffs, dislodging her needle from the rock and pulling it back towards her by the thread. 

Vaguely, but only vaguely, she understands that had she actually killed her, she doubts Hornet would have even been all that fussed either, but she isn't sure that would be smart to bring up.

Deciding that she has nothing worthwhile to say, she simply sits down on the ledge and allows her legs to swing over the cliff, wings drooping at her sides as she glances idly around. 

A good thing, then, that Hornet evidently has nothing to say either, and scarcely moves from where she stands a good few meters behind her.

It's difficult to think clearly, with the ever-present awareness that she is being watched. That despite the fact that it is unlikely, and that she would not particularly mind if it happened, all it would take would be a few strikes with that needle and it would be over.

It would be over.

Radiance moves away from the destroyed remains of the statue and swings her legs further over the cliff, looking out into the distance. Dirtmouth is barely visible below them, all the houses a cluster of specks in an expanse of land.

She watches as more and more of those tiny specks begin to light up, watching countless bugs emerge from the well and return to long-empty houses, watching tearful reunions and hope and laughter as the tide of returning bugs slowly breathes life back into the town.

She tries not to think about the houses that stay unlit, the bugs waiting for others who won't come, the irreparable corpses weighing heavy on the kingdom.

Instead, she thinks about the distance from here to the far-below cavern of Crystal Peak. She looks down, and sees the glittering shards, and thinks of how it would feel- the harsh wind tearing through feathers, falling and falling until her world stopped.

She's so lost in thought that she barely notices the quiet footsteps and the blade scraping that indicate the child has abandoned her post near the tunnel and come to stand behind her.

"You are very close to the edge," Hornet notes, the tension so thick she could cut it with that needle of hers.

Radiance says nothing. She understands that they are both on edge, one more literally than the other, but she still does not speak. It isn't her job to reassure the child, she was the one who insisted on joining her, after all.

Still, she feels a compulsion to say something. 

The words are out before she can stop them, and momentarily she finds herself stunned at how.. how easy it was to simply speak, as her voice seems to find itself.

" _Yes. It is quite the drop._ " she states, hating the way she sounds quiet and uncertain, even as her voice itself feels heavy.

Hornet exhales softly behind her, evidently unsure what to say. A silence falls over both of them, and she can practically hear the spiderling's mind racing as to the implications of what that could possibly mean. She does not make any effort to comfort her. She will speak when she is ready.

The wind roars around them, and she simply sits there and lets it tear through her feathers. It is a very, very long way down, and this cliff leads back into the caverns of Crystal Peak.

" _As I am currently, I do not think my wings would be working properly._ "

She does not elaborate, staring at the caverns below, and at the town beyond that.

Hornet vocalizes the thought she does not say.

"Do you intend to jump?"

Radiance considers the question.

Will she?

" _I.. I do not know._ " she admits, before turning her head ever so slightly, glancing at her from the corner of her eye.

Recoiling at the statement, the spiderling pauses, a heavy silence hanging in the air as she attempts to piece together an answer. Then, finally, she speaks, words chosen carefully.

"You know I cannot forgive you," Hornet starts, sounding almost bitter, and she is about to protest that the question was in no way related to forgiveness, but she continues, "—but that does not mean I would want to see anyone.. die in such a manner."

" _It was you who said that I ought to die._ "

"You and I both know that is not what I meant."

For the first time in a while, Radiance feels something akin to rage.

" _So you believe I should die, but only by another's hand?_ " It comes out less angry and more desperate, which she hates. Now of all times is not when she should be showing weakness. " _I- I cannot even be allowed to leave this hellforsaken world on my own terms?_ "

It's almost funny, really. The Wyrm and his cursed spawn would still try to undermine her, even at facing the prospect of her own death.

Hornet makes no response.

The flash of anger is gone as soon as it had come.

She sighs, unwilling to look at her. It was wrong of her to take this out on a child, no matter how aggravating that child might be.

" _..Please leave me be._ "

The answer comes faster than expected.

"No."

Radiance blinks. " _What do you mean, 'no'?_ "

Hornet gives her a look, her stoic pretense firmly in place once more. "You are considering hurling yourself off the peak of this mountain. Grimm will doubtless assume my involvement if you do so, and I'll not be blamed for something that was your doing, nor will I knowingly stand idle while you throw yourself to what could well be your death."

Fine. She makes a fair point.

" _Why did you come in the first place?_ "

Hornet shrugs, though under her cloak it's no more than a wry twitch of the shoulders. "I…" she stops, searching for a way to phrase it more delicately. "The situation was less clear-cut than I understood," is what she finally settles on.

Radiance may not particularly like, or trust her, but she must admit that she certainly has a very generous manner of phrasing the statement I came to kill you, but you were too pathetic to even defend yourself.

She nods at this, not sure what else to say. Instead of forcing herself to speak, she stares out at the town, trying to think about something, anything that isn't dead bugs (moths or otherwise) or plagues or lives ruined.

Selfish, stupid. Nothing good has ever come from refusing to face consequences of one's actions, a lesson she has already learned.

But surely, it will be fine, if she does it just once more. Those thoughts can wait, yes, they can wait until she isn't teetering on the edge of collapse, both literally and figuratively.

It wouldn't work, anyhow, because there's nothing else really to think about, nothing that wouldn't be stupid or trivial or a plain mockery of everything that has transpired.

Everything feels so.. surreal. She hadn't noticed it before.

Of course, it's not as if she would be able to tell the difference, but the best way she can think to phrase it is that it feels like she is still dreaming, still in that other realm with the expanse of light and clouds and there is only anger and everything doesn't hurt so much-

No, no. That is wrong too.

Even in the Dream Realm, she at least felt.. some sort of connection to the place, some form of attachment to her own body in that realm and her surroundings.

There is none of that, here.

Radiance looks numbly down at her legs, at the sky, at the plains below them, feeling like this body is nothing more than a costumed shell or a cloak (a very heavy and dull-feeling one, at that) she could slip out of at any moment.

For a moment, she wonders, if she jumped off this clifftop right now, and waited for this.. shell of a body to hit the ground, would she even die? It certainly doesn't feel that way. 

Everything.. Everything is so confusing. This feels wrong. Wrong, and unfamiliar. Why is this happening? Her thoughts are all disjointed, all scrambled, vague and frayed pieces of words that don't seem to mean anything. 

Though she still doesn't quite feel like any of this makes sense, though it still feels like these are not her wings to move, not her lungs to breathe through or eyes to see, Radiance turns away.

It still feels like a dream.

This is not real. Is it? It's so difficult to tell. Then again, though, if it is a dream it means she still has some form of control, and that is comforting.

Hornet nudges her, and she looks down, reminded of her presence.

Seeing someone else here.. that helps, she thinks, helps reconcile reality and what may very well be the product of whatever hellforsaken emotions (disgusting!) she may be feeling. 

" _..hm..?_ "

"Are you..?" She stops herself, reconsidering the question and asking a different one (though this one, she notes, is less a question and more a statement). "It has been a while. You ought to return to Dirtmouth."

She should.

That does not, in any way, mean she wants to. However, Radiance suspects that if she stays here at the peak for much longer, she will not be leaving- not by way of the actual exit into the mountain, anyway.

Yes. Perhaps she will feel better once she is back with the Troupe.

Slowly, the effort making her feel as if she is made of lead, she pushes herself further from the edge until she can safely stand. It wouldn't do, after all, to have her plummet to her death even if it wasn't actually of her own volition.

When she turns back around, Hornet is already meters away, standing at the opening, watching.

It would probably be more efficient to simply teleport- getting through those narrow passages was, to put it frankly, an utter pain in the ass, and she doesn't particularly feel like making a fool of herself in front of a child she just had a mental lapse in front of.

-

They reach Dirtmouth, eventually. Radiance wonders why she bothered to join her, though the dense fog clouding her mind makes it difficult for her to think on it deeper. Neither of them were really prepared for that encounter, but..

Well, she isn't sure what would have happened if she had been on that cliff alone. Her presence was probably a blessing in disguise or something of the sort, not that she believed in those. Grimm likely would not have been pleased to learn that his old friend had flung herself off a cliff, otherwise.

She finds it easier to think of how others would react to her death, and not herself. She still does not quite feel like she deserves to be alive, anyhow, and vocalizing those thoughts to anyone will be.. well, complicated.

Evidently that hadn't stopped her from piling yet more issues on top of the shoulders of the bug who had actually been there to prevent her from jumping off a mountain, though. It wasn't Hornet's responsibility to deal with her nonsense, at all-

Which is why, she realizes, the aforementioned spiderling is currently speaking to Grimm in a hushed tone, needle leaning against a nearby wall, an expression she can't quite place in her eyes behind the mask.

Of course.

Foolish of her to assume word of this wouldn't get back to him. This is.. well, she would describe it as aggravating, but it seems all this has hindered her ability to actually process things. Go figure.

Has it really gotten to the point, she thinks, where living with the weight of her actions would be more difficult than simply dying?

The strange feeling of detachment from her surroundings has not subsided. Radiance still feels more as if she is simply watching the scene through this body's eyes rather than actually living and breathing it through her own.

What a very odd sensation. It almost feels as if this isn't real, somehow, like this is all just yet another dream that she will be able to wake up from and somehow still be sealed away in that unfortunate Vessel's mind.

If that proves to be true, then she will simply succumb to the Void and let everything be over with. She really, really does not feel particularly inclined to exist right now. Unfortunately, to the best of her knowledge, she is still forsakenly here, in this kingdom that is somehow reanimating itself even in the Infection's absence.

She is still here, in this tent, watching absently as Grimm enters the room of the tent in which she is collapsed and kneels down in front of her with concerned eyes.

She is still here, vaguely aware of the thin arms and slender fingers pressing into the feathers of her ruff and pulling her into a gentle and yet desperate hug, aware of the faint smell of smoke and burning embers, and yet feeling absolutely none of it.

Aware that he is upset, and that she should really, really be doing something about it, and wanting to apologize for everything, but knowing there is no hope in trying to move this body that does not quite feel like hers.


End file.
